Friday May 1st 2026

Moonfest! I played vibraphone and drumset so well people were coming up to me all night saying I did really good and that I'm really cool and I feel like I'm on top of the world!

Saturday May 2nd 2026

Spent the day with Ybru's boyfriend Bojacc and his best friend Ainejess. Got good coffee and croissants and walked downtown and went to the mennonite sandwhich place for lunch. Then cleaned my room and hung out with Yzlin before taking acid. I really wanted to kiss Yzlin tonight. Took acid with MB, Ybru, and Bojacc and went to MB's room, had a really fun time just joking and laughing and kissing and having sex and she showed me a ritual she does before she goes to parties. We knelt before each other and rubbed rose scented balm on our throats and wrists and stared at each other and chanted "I am a magnet I am a magnet I am a magnet." I don't really believe in manifesting admiration from others but it reminded me of the mantra I always tell myself which is "I am a viking"--which is something I started doing after my dad told me that I should feel more confident because I come from a long line of Vikings and have warrior blood. So when I was saying "I am a magnet" I really meant "I am confident enough in my body that I do not need to prove to others that I am worthy of love because I already know that I am worthy of it" and when she was saying "I am a magnet" she really meant "I am attractive and alluring to others which will in turn give me confidence enough to have a good night." Then I touched her shoulder and said "tag" and ran out of her house and she chased me into the field where we ran towards the moon and listened to the party music which was reverberating off all of the houses surrounding the field and we went into the apartment where my friends were all dressed in white togas and screaming and moshing. Yro just today broke up with his boyfriend and cut his hair into a mowhawk and for the party gelled it straight up like a real punk. So he was wearing brown leather boots and a toga and a belt with a pouch and his hair gelled up into a tall mowhawk dancing--he looked like a warrior. We screamed in each other's faces and then me and MB ditched and went to see Ybru and Bojacc and Ainejess and we put tiger lilies in our hair which Bojacc had gifted Ybru after she got the letter congratualting her for getting into Boston University (she's transferring ); ). Then we drifted separate ways and I hung out with Yzlin. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life tonight. We hung out all night, holding hands in the field, dancing at the party where everyone else was also dressed in flowing white outfits, smoking weed, and looking out accross the mountains, breathing together as she dragged her black acrylic nails accross my jaw. She kept making jokes and laughing at them while I was being mostly silent because I was in the part of the acid trip where I was feeling anxious which made me feel bad and also made her seem even more like an angel. When we got back to the party we separated and I saw MB again and went back to her room and debreifed and slept. MB has bad insomnia so she read all of Orlando by Virginia Woolf (which she told me she started because I like Virginia Woolf so much which is really sweet) while I slept. Ybru said Bojacc cried in her arms all night because he was high and she was transferring.

Sunday May 3rd 2026

Today was a depressed and tired day. I keep fucking up during orchestra rehearsals because I DON'T WANT TO BE THERE. I'm only doing it because the other percussionist's dad got really sick and they had to go to California. I'm playing crash cymbals, chimes, gong, and triangle and I haven't played chimes in a really long time and I keep getting the timing wrong because I have to make sure I'm hitting the right notes while not looking at the instrument so I can look forward and read the music and watch the conductor. Bleh. Acid hangover is so real. It was fight night tonight tho--the whole dorm house comes together in the common room and a different two people wrestle until we determine a winner. I hosted but I also fought Eikfran and won. It was hard work to fight on a bad hangover and I have rug burn scabs on my back, elbows, and knees. Yzlin and my friend Anele fought so hard both of their elbows were bleeding all over each other's faces. But fight night is always a blast. Sleep time I'm dead on my feet. Oh and also Ino covered himself in his own piss for performance art today on the lawn. Then he drank it. He says he collects it in jars for two days before the performance but doesn't eat or drink anything different leading up to the collection. If it were me I'd drink gallons of water and eat super healthy so my piss tasted better. He said he didn't notice the taste as much as the texture. Apparently it's grainy.

Monday May 4th 2026

I woke up really late today but I got a summer job!!!! I'm going to be working at a farm/coffee shop/music venue doing sound for the music shows and working at the farmers markets. Its free housing AND I get paid AND I'm going to be working with other college students so I'll have friends AND its a farm AND has to do with music its literally my dream summer job. I went on a long drive with Ttergar--he's not doing too well. He got really drunk and broke half his front tooth off the other night. We stopped at a coffee shop and a yard sale but I didn't get anything both times. I love talking to him--he's my go to to talk about love and relationships and mental phsychosis. Then I went to songwriting class and listened to two great songs--Omeed Goodarzi came to do a muscianship talk and he said a song is like a mirrorball rolling down a hill--it never changes its shape but it gives off a multitude of new things each time it moves forward. He said its good practice not to let a song repeat ever--let it change in small ways all the way till the end. Time to lock myself in the barn and practice marimba until I bleed. I'm really worried the solo (Uguisu Kagura) won't come together in time for the concert (May 22). Wish me luck.

Tuesday May 5th 2026

Today was really beautiful. I've been trying to wake up early but haven't quite reached that goal. I think it would be nice to wake up with the sun but I haven't quite figured out how to do that because its too rainy and cold to sleep outside and I only have one small window inside (I live in a dorm room). I went to breakfast with Yzlin and we talked about how we would want to be buried. She told me she cremated her father and asked the crematorium if she could keep his two gold teeth and they said no. I said my dad wants a viking funeral at Lake Michigan so I'm going to set his ashes in a boat and set it on fire and push it out into the lake. My mom wants to be buried in a way that is least harmful to Earth so I want to just bury her body straight into the ground without a casket or anything. Then we went to her room and played music and talked about capitalism and religion and art for a few hours. We haven't really talked ever so this was the first time we got to know each other through how we think about the systems in the world. Then MB took me into the woods and showed me three really big tip-up mounds and an abandoned tree-house and these wooden benches someone had made by piling logs. We followed a dried-up stream out of the woods. Now I'm off to play Uguisu Kagura which is KILLING ME. ITS SO HARD TO PLAY.

Wednesday May 6th 2026

If anyone asks religion is being used as a vehicle for capitalism because people are assigning moral values to behaviors that support capitalistic regimes! Oh no I stole something I'm going to hell!!! Oh no I can't kiss girls I'm going to hell!!! Which coincidentally supports an intolerance for deviance from a normative culture that requires a compliance to patriarchy which is a foundational tool for capitalism!! Oh God only gives people who work hard money you must be poor because you didn't work as hard as me :(. It has nothing to do with the wealth I was born into or my race or gender :((. If anyone asks also when being born inside a capitalistc government the secret to life is learning how to identify every kind of shame you were ever taught and then eliminate it you will feel wildly less anxious and depressed. Books are really good teachers for this. Today marks the start of Capitalism Month which is just finals season. But I allow myself to get stressed out which I don't normally do because I go to a liberal enough college that if I ever need an extension my professors will just give it to me. So I'm always telling myself there is literally no reason to ever be stressed when I am on this campus. But there's no escaping it during finals. Another aspect of Capitalism Month is that I'm allowed to buy myself as many coffees, snacks, and other vices to get through which I also don't normally allow myself to do. So I bought my first pack of cigs since December. It's been raining all day and I haven't done laundry in weeks so I've gone barefoot everywhere and have just kept a pair of slippers in my bag for when I need to go to the dining hall.

‘Queer’ was for us not a sexul label but a political badge